At 8:12pm
Me: Having a lovely distracting night, quaffing free champers. Die, frogspawn, die!!! xx
H: He he! u’ll be fine lovely, just have fun and party hard
At 9:12pm
Me: Thanks poppet! May grab a test from the 24hr pharmacy on way home....xx
H: Let me know if u need me and don’t do it til the morning. xx
Me: Well no, have had that much champers and wine, wouldn’t trust the result anyway!! (yeah, am pissed, so can’t talk ...)0
At 9:42pm
H: He he! Good way to take ur mind off it! xxx
Me: well...kinda!Mind still p
.......clearly I am not fit to bring human life into this world.
Last night was spent being basically a terrible potential mother, drinking far too many glasses of champagne and eyeing up potential frogs (it’s OK, I don’t approve of myself very much today either). This was a party to celebrate the engagement of a girl I work with, and was held in a dinky little wine bar near Borough Market. I had a lovely night, but I was silly to get as alcoholically compromised as I did, as I ended up sitting on a tall, rickety stool, in my killer but utterly impractical heels, with my back about half a metre from endless shelves of wine bottles, and a tall glass cabinet filled with vintage Armanac from 1917. Translation: if I had fallen backwards, I would have either been killed instantly and in spectacularly bloody fashion, or I would have had my arse sued off.
Anyway, speaking of bloody displays, there is still no sign of the elusive ‘men in red coats’. And while I’m trying to stay calm, and not get in a total flap, I’ve been very unhelpfully worrying myself by endlessly Googling ‘pregnancy signs and symptoms’. Which, as a whole, has been basically reassuring:
Implantation spotting
No
Missed Period
I wouldn’t call it missed just yet, but it’s just under a week late.
Frequent Urination
I drink about three litres of water a day, so I’m pretty much on the loo all the time anyway. But I haven’t noticed any increase.
Morning Sickness
No, although today isn’t the best day to answer that, as I’m a little hung over. (See? TERRIBLE mother!)
Breast Changes (becoming larger, more tender, or darker in appearance)
Not at all.
Fatigue
No more than I would expect, given how busy I’ve been recently. But as I understand it, this is fatigue as in even performing the simplest tasks can leave you feeling utterly wiped out. I haven’t had that.
Body Discomforts (headaches, backaches, acne, constipation, heartburn, mood swings, constipation, diarrhea, bloating, indigestion, and abdominal cramps.)
Headaches yes.
Back’s a bit creaky, but I think that may be from going back to the gym for the first time in a fortnight.
Chin has been particularly pustule-ridden this week, but that’s normal for me when I’m premenstrual.
None of the others, especially not bloating. If anything, I feel quite svelte this week.
Food Cravings
No.
Food Aversions
No. Although I feel I can't really win with these last two signs!
Smell Aversions
No.
Altered sense of taste (particularly a metallic taste in the mouth)
No.
Elevated body temperature
Not in the slightest - in fact, I've been bloody freezing this week.
Baby Movement
If I am currently with frogspawn, then I imagine it’s only the size of a pinhead right now, so quite frankly, it could be breakdancing in there, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.
Intuition (some women, just ‘feel’ pregnant)
My intution – my gut feeling – says I’m not pregnant. But if I may borrow from Nick Hornby, I’m not entirely convinced that my guts don’t have shit for brains.
Positive Pregnancy Test
As much as I can’t face it, I’m going to buy one tonight if nothing happens today.
And this on the day the Frenchman flies back to London. Oy vey...
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